Fourteen years already?

I can't believe that it has been fourteen years since I had to say hello and goodbye to my second daughter in the same breath. I don't normally talk about Kierston as it makes people uncomfortable to talk about dead babies but today is the day of her birth and I have mentioned her here and there throughout the years on the blog so I thought today would be a good day to share her story. As a way of healing, I wrote down all that I could remember of her pregnancy, birth and the days that followed. I didn't know about blogs then so I created a website and copied her story there. This site is now removed from the web as it was only on a free site but as luck would have it, I found a cached copy of it. This is copied and pasted with very little editing, I did correct some spelling and grammatical errors that I made, at the time it was written spelling and punctuation weren't a priority.

Kierston's Story

Picture enhancing curtsey of Paulab4455@aol.com

Kierston Skyler Stroh
"Peanut"
April 27, 1997
11:07am
3lbs 6.6ozs
17 1/4 inches

We found out that we were going to have another child early October of 1996. We couldn't believe it, my being pregnant was such a surprise.

I started to get a sharp pain in my side, mostly when I made any sudden movements. I called the doctor and we were told that this was normal. A few days later I had begun to have a pink discharge. We were devastated, and were expecting the worst. We had to wait a whole day for an ultra sound to verify that the pregnancy was viable. When we got to the office, we were told to have a seat and wait until the tech was ready to see us.

So many things were running through our minds, is the baby all right? Is it something I did? Why was I bleeding? Then our name was called. Nervously we walked into the exam room and the ultra sound showed a normal, healthy 7 week old fetus. Our little "Peanut" was in there waving and the little heart was flickering. It was beautiful! They found the cause of the spotting was due to a small tear in the lining. My doctor advised me to take it easy.

The spotting stopped. And another ultra sound was scheduled in late January. I couldn't wait, finally I would find out who was sharing my body with me. IT'S A GIRL! Kierston, another little girl, we were so excited!

At the next doctor's appointment, we were told that they had found tiny little cysts on Kierston's brain. What does this mean I asked? Most of the time the cysts go away, but an AFP test was performed. If it came back normal then everything was fine and in most cases they would just go away.

What a long 10 days that was, but low and behold everything was normal. What a tough little girl we had, just waiting to meet us, and we couldn't wait.

Around 24 weeks, I began to cramp. I was told to monitor the cramping, it wasn't until then that I realized I was having CONTRACTIONS! It's too early for this was all I could think. My doctor wasn't worried though. So I started to monitor the contractions, sometimes I would get as many as 8 in an hour. Still my doctor did nothing.

At 26 weeks, I was losing sleep; I was getting woken up by contractions. At my next appointment I had to beg the doctor to give me something to make them stop. Finally I was put on terbutaline, but only on an as needed basis. I didn't understand why he did that, but we followed his advice.

By 29 weeks the medicine stopped working. At this point we had to go to triage once a week to get a shot to stop the contractions. Still, my doctor did not change his opinion.
By the 31st week I was put on terbutaline 2.5 mg every 6 hours. That seemed to do the trick for a few days. Then back to the hospital for another shot. My next doctor's appointment was the next day.

During the doctor's appointment, it seemed like we were being rushed. Finally Toby put his foot down and demanded that I be put on bed rest. My doctor reluctantly agreed to this and filled out the necessary paper work. WAIT, they didn't weigh me, the nurse who looked bothered that I brought it up, and huffed as she led me back to the scale. I had LOST 1 pound. I know, it was just 1 pound, but compared to my gaining 4-5 pounds per the past few visits I was freaking out! My doctor again assured me that it was normal. How, my diet hadn't changed? This appointment was on a Monday.

On that Wednesday, April 23, 1997, Kierston kicked me very hard. So hard that it hurt. I told Toby and he rested his hand on my belly. She did it again, and it hurt!

The next day, April 24, was business as usual. Me playing with my "Peanut," she loved to kick where ever I touched my belly. I was already in love with her. Just a few more weeks and I would be hugging and kissing this sweet little baby of ours.

Friday the 25th of April, while watching TV, I felt her kick one time. It was about 3 in the afternoon. I really didn't think much of it; she must have been sleeping was all.
When we went to bed, there was still no movement. I was getting worried, but I was so tired that I fell asleep before making any decision as to go to the hospital or not.

I tried all day Saturday the 26th, to get my "Peanut" to play with me, she wouldn't. Toby was at work so I nervously waited for him to return. While waiting I called the hospital to see what was normal. They asked if I felt more than 4 kicks in an hour. No, not in 24 hours had I felt a kick! I then called my doctor, he wasn't on call but the OB/GYN on duty told me if I was worried to go to the hospital. So to kill time until Toby got there, I jumped into the shower.

When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor. NOTHING! Oh my God, this can't be happening to us, she was so alive, such a fighter! They tried again, and still there was nothing. The nurse ran to get an ultra sound machine, she was such a nice person, and tried to calm us.

They did the ultra sound, and there was our sweet little girl, still, not moving, and no heart beat. We were in shock, my head was spinning. I couldn't believe it. Another doctor came in to confirm that there was no heart beat. Her reply was this, "I am so sorry, this has to be the worst day of your life." And she was right, it was. I wanted to melt into that hospital bed and die; I just couldn't see what there was to live for. My baby was dead! What did I do?

From this point we were given the option to go home and wait for the onset of labor, or to be induced. We didn't even think about it, we were NOT going to wait. I was moved to a room in the NICU wing and they started the medication to soften my cervix. I was given 1 prostaglandin gel insert every 3 hours, from 7pm until 2am. 

After the 1st one the contractions were steady every three minutes. I couldn't sleep, and the room was freezing. It was tough to hear babies crying when we knew that ours never would. My Mom and Toby never left my side the whole night.

At 5am I was woken up so I could shower and get ready for the pitocin iv. While this was being done Toby went home to shower and call his parents to let them know what was going on, at the time they lived in another state.

At 11:07 am on April 27, 1997, Kierston Skyler Stroh came into this world. She was delivered breech so she had her perfectly shaped head, and daddy's sweet little nose. She was beautiful!

They cleaned her up, and placed her in my arms; I hugged and held my darling daughter so close. Then it was daddy's turn. From the moment we found out, she was his whole world. It just wasn't fair that someone so loved never even got a chance. The umbilical cord was between her legs and wrapped around her belly twice. She suffocated. I felt like my body had betrayed her.

After we had our time with her we asked the priest to baptize her. Then we said our good-byes. I was then moved to another floor, one that had no babies. It was a relief but surreal, at least there wasn't a constant crying reminder of what we lost.

Leaving the hospital was by far the worst thing. My friend Holly thought to bring me a teddy bear and I held that as we left but nothing could replace Kierston.

The hospital took many pictures of her, and sent them to us a few weeks later. They also did her foot prints and gave us a memory book to put everything in.

She was buried on May 5, 1997. I knew from the start that I would attend the service, but as soon as I got there, I wished I was somewhere else. Many people came to show their support, and for that we are grateful.

It's hard not to think about what might have been, how old she would be now, what milestones she would be achieving, would she be crawling, would she still look like her dad? These are thoughts that I have all the time.

In the early morning, right when the sun just starts to come in the window, and if Toby is lying right, I can see her in him. When I first noticed this, Toby had fallen asleep on the couch, and had his head turned to the side slightly and his hands resting on his chest (just like Kierston in the picture above), it took my breath away! I just couldn't believe how much they look alike.

Footprints
by Dorothy Ferguson
How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently,
only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
your footsteps have left
upon my heart.

We love and miss you Kierston, you are in our hearts forever.
Love,
Mom and Dad

It is not the will of the father,
which is in heaven
that one of these little ones should perish...
Matthew 18:14


As I read this, it brings back a flood of emotions, takes me right back to those days.

Wordless Wednesday - Because I skipped last week.

Guess who.........

Turned 11 months on the 7th and got his first two teeth the same day?

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Wordless Wednesday - 10 months.

Cha-cha-cha-changes!

Oh where to begin? There has been so much going on in the past month or so. Toby, Paige, Haley & I all got a little older.

 Toby and Paige's birthdays fall on the same day however we celebrated them both on different days this year. Sort of giving Toby back his birthday.

I have trained my kids to tell anyone that asks that (depending on the child) I am anywhere between 21 and 25 years old. Gotta love their innocence lol!

 Haley turned 17, SEVENTEEN! How did she grow up and get so old before my eyes?

I got a little smarter, I finally became a college graduate. There were times when I didn't think I would make it. At one point I was pregnant, working full time, helping Toby with his business taxes and paper work part time, and tending to a very sick toddler who was hospitalized, all while taking between 3 and 5 classes. I very nearly quit and am so glad I didn't. 

Jonas turned 8 months old, and is starting to hit all of those lovely milestones most babies his age have already mastered. With his adjusted age he is right on track but since he is so big and is often larger than most babies his actual age it is hard for others to comprehend why he isn't, or rather wasn't doing normal stuff. I am happy to say that he now is rolling and scooting all over the place and starting to enjoy finding and getting into things that he should not be playing with. Although he is not crawling yet, he is getting up on all fours and trying. And, just two days ago he surprised us all be pulling up into a standing position out of no where. I often sit and look at him in wonderment as at 23lbs and 30in he looks more like a toddler than an infant.

 Loryn played the last of her 14 games of volleyball. She did so well, I am very proud of all that she achieved. This was her first year playing and she not only learned the sport but did well enough to be put on the B team (her school has an A, B & C team).

There was so much more that went on but will add those events in on another post. Such a fun and crazy life and I am loving every minute of it!

Wordless Wednesday - Seven months.

More Wordless Wednesdays:

Wordless Wednesday HQ │ 7 Clown Circus │ 5 Minutes For Mom │ MomDot

You've come a long way baby!

Kira 2 hours old.

Kira 1 year old.

Kira 18 months old.

Kira 2 years old.

Happy 2nd Birthday Kira-bell! Hard to believe that two years ago today I was sitting in your hospital room waiting to hold you for the first time. You are such a joy, you make every day interesting and we all love how you make us laugh! Have a wonderful day sweet baby girl.

One month (and then some)!

Today is my due date for Tucker and it's hard to believe that he is five weeks old already! This picture was taken at one month old. If you are long time reader of the blog then you know that for the first year this blue smiley guy gets to have his picture taken with the baby every month to show how much they grow. This was taken on 3/7 and he has already grown even more. They grow so quickly and it's just too hard to imagine that I will have to leave him next Sunday and return to work :(. I can't wait to see how much he's grown at his apt tomorrow, I'm going to guess that he's near the 10lb mark.

Tucker's Birth Story.

I had been contracting every 12 min or so since Friday, they weren't getting closer but they were getting stronger. We were doing our Saturday chores and was having a lot of back pain but I thought that was due to cleaning. By 3pm I had to sit down and leave the rest unfinished. When I sat down the contractions remained the same, tried taking a shower and that helped but didn't make them go away. As I was getting dried off and putting on lotion and doing my hair and stuff in the bathroom my water broke. Toby was in Seward that day and it is over an hour from there to our house so I was kind of freaking out. About that time he called me to say that he was nearly back to Lincoln and was telling me how our neighbors called wanting him to look after their dogs as they were in labor lol! That's about the time I let him know that we were too. It's so funny because he gets all in a panic and is freaking out thinking the baby is going to come right then. In his defense we have had that happen, when I was in labor w/Loryn they broke my water at 4cm and she was born an hour later BUT I was in labor for 4 hours at that time AND on pitocen.

He stopped and got his mom to help w/the kids, honestly this was a shocker but it was much appreciated. Haley is great w/her siblings and would have done fine but she would have been overwhelmed at times. I made Toby eat and shower as I knew things weren't going that fast and I wasn't sure how long it would be and my hubby is a bit of a germaphobe and would not have been comfy w/o the shower.

We got to the hospital about 8pm which was 2 hours after my water broke. The contractions were about 6 min apart at this time. They got us to our room and changed and hooked up. I was thinking that I would have made a bit of progress from my apt on Friday but nope, when the nurse checked me I was *maybe* 5cm and about 75% effaced, went backwards on effacement, didn't get that but oh well lol. She made us walk the halls for an hour where we ran into our neighbor. He was excited that his wife was already at 7cm and was thinking it would be soon. After the hour I was rechecked and I was effaced more but still only maybe a 5. They still let me just labor on my own until about 11pm when I was hooked up to pitocen.

I have no idea what the heck this nurse was trying to do to me but she must have been cranking the juice big time. My labor went from 4-5 min apart contx that were manageable to 1-2 min apart unbearable pain. I hung on until 12:45am when I asked for anti-nausea meds and pain meds. I couldn't manage it this time, Toby knew that it was bad as I had labored the last three kids no prob w/no meds but nausea meds. At that time I started getting the shakes and told the nurse that I don't feel like I have to push now but it is going to be very soon (it was about 1am when I said this and I told Toby that I was hoping to have the baby by 2am lol). Neighbor check, they still had not delivered and race was on LOL!

The nurse checked me and I was only 6cm but completely effaced and I told her that I go very fast and to call the dr. Thankfully she listened, had some issues w/nurses not listening and then trying to get me to "breathe thru the contraction" umm yeah right LOL. It would be easier to stop a train wreck w/my bare hands! So about 2 min before the dr got there I was ready to push and the nurse kept telling me to wait he was coming up and just had to change. She was really trying to say anything to get me to not push and at one point had said once he got in there all I had to do was push once and the baby would come right out.

So when the dr got there and I was able to push for one contraction I was able to relax and calm down and manage better. After that contraction I looked at the nurse and started laughing and told her she lied, he didn't come out in one push. Had the whole room cracking up and poor Dr Millius didn't know what to think of someone w/o an epi laughing and joking as they start to push thru another contraction lol! I finally got his head out w/the second contraction, third push and before he could be suctioned my body went nutty and pushed him out the rest of the way. All I remember about that was Toby and the nurse grabbing my shoulders telling me not to back away from the dr, I guess I was pushing up on the bed and pushing him out. So odd lol I blame it on the over cranking of pit.

Tucker came out pink and screaming and was doing good but breathing fast and pulling in when breathing. He weighed 6lbs 2oz and was 19in long.

And if you were wondering, yes we beat the neighbors by about two hours. It will not be hard to remember their daughter's birthday :).

Yadda, yadda, yadda.

Ok, so it has been a LOOOOONG time. Let's see first things first, Coco Keys did finally come good on the refunds. They gave me $85 at first, then after more calls, more complaining and a call to the management company they not only refunded me the other $40 but the origonal money we actually did spend as well. I am still sour on the whole deal and don't think that I should have had to wait three plus weeks to get the double billing resolved but they did come good by giving me all the money back.

The 20th was Toby and Paige's birthday. Paige turned 8 and Toby 38. Paige got a few ds games, some clothes, a few toys and $, Toby finally got his PS3. He thinks it was because he deserved it, really it was because I wanted to watch blueray movies ;).


Work is going good, we are almost done in training which means I will have to give my Blackberry Storm back. Kinda sad about that as it means no email at work :( sad pandas! Sept. 15 will be our first day on the floor and my schedule will change to noon to nine. Another BOO moment but at least I can get stuff done in the mornings w/o missing work and perhaps sleep in a bit lol (yeah right!).

School is going well, I forgot a test in two of my classes and am having to get all A's on everything to bring my grade up. Sucky but I'll get it back and end w/a B ::fingers crossed::. I have three classes next semester, one of which will be on campus-speech. Blech! I am not looking fwd to either going on campus or standing in front of a group of people. It's not that I can't do it, it's that when I do it my face instantly turns and I get all hot. I think I will have to do two or three 10 minute speeches. Seeing how classes are not even close to starting and I am already having anxiety over it, should be good times!

Happy Birthday Loryn!

Then:


And now:

11 years goes by so quickly!

Wordless Wednesday - Oh so fun to be one!

Crazy!

Kira hours after birth.

Exactly one year ago I was on my way to the hospital waiting for Miss Kira Aspen to show her little head- litterally LOL! I was really hoping to have her on my favorite holiday Cinco de Mayo but she had her own plans and decided to show up on 5-6-08 at 3:18am.

Huh?

I just realized that I haven't posted much but contests in a long time. Life around here is as crazy as ever. I have a lot crap to do for Toby's business BUT my effin computer decided that it wanted to crap out on me-kickin' myself for not backing up his files since FEB! OOPS lol! I hopefully will have it fixed in two weeks. School has started back up and like always the first few weeks I find myself overwhelmed until I get into the groove of how the classes work. Next semester I will actually go on campus for a few classes ::gasp!::. The kids are doing great, Haley is old enough for a learners permit and we are thinking about it. It's so hard to "let" them grow up. I still sometimes look at her and see her as the twirling-till-she-falls-down two year old. Loryn will be in middle school next year, that's equally crazy to think about, wont be but a few years and she will be pestering about her learner's permit. Kali is my boy-crazy 3rd grader who acts too mature for her age. Paige is my friendly, fun loving, girlie-girl. Jake tries to stay afloat in this sea of pink and does an ok job. He loves baseball and can't wait to start t-ball in June. He met a few kids from his team last year at the kindergarten round-up and made fast friends. Kira is about to turn a year old. This year has gone by so quickly! We aren't planning a huge birthday bash but just a family gathering and just planning that makes me sad. Why can't we freeze dry kids and keep them the perfect age LOL?

Paige thinking about what she should do next.

That is Kali under all that hair!

Kal falling through the tire swing that I was pushing her in. She was saying stuff that was cracking me up-which explains why I'm bent over lol!

Haley takin kira down the slide w/Paige crawling out from under it.

Loryn and a few of her friends at their final grade school performance :(.

Kira outside yesterday, I learned that my little girl is as city as I am. She SCREAMED everytime she even got near grass or dirt w/her bare piggies but didn't mind the concrete under her feet!

She got stuck in the excercauser :).

Just hangin' around.