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Sunday, December 11, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Love them!
Sunday, September 4, 2011
What do you say to that?
How do you answer difficult questions asked by your children? Recently my oldest, who biologically is not my husband's child, was in contact with her other counter part. During one of the exchanges he said some things that got her thinking, bringing up difficult questions. Not because of what I did, but how do you tell your child that things they are told or thought aren't true? I went with the philosophy of don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Over the years I gave her basic information, names, events, etc. I didn't initiate conversations, but didn't shy away from them either.
So now she gets an email from this person stating that he was a drug user and stating a bunch of other info that basically is either what he wanted to happen or what his drug addled mind wished had happened so he now thinks is true. I am now presented with the task of detailing the whole sorted mess to my daughter, because she asked.
How do you tell your daughter that 5 weeks after having her you had to go back to work because he wouldn't?
How do you tell her that you had to work two jobs often only seeing her when she slept for the first 7 months of her life because bills had to be paid and he wasn't paying them?
How do you tell your daughter that you had to push her around in a stroller when you went anywhere and take the grocery cart home when you grocery shopped because he traded the car you drove for a pound of marijuana?
How do you tell your daughter that you couldn't make a call in your own house w/o worrying that the conversation was being recorded because he placed a tap on the phone line?
How do you tell your daughter that you feared of an STD because he was a manwhore?
How do you tell your daughter that you kicked him out of the house after finding condom wrappers on the floor of her nursery, under your bed and in his car? (oh yes, because he kept his car and only "traded" mine)
How do you tell her that even after that, for her you tried again to keep your family together, only to find out that he smoked meth in the living room while you were asleep in your bed 15 feet down the hall?
How do you tell her that after you told him to leave he hit and choked you only stopping after 911 was called? Thank God that I can multitask and fight off a jerk and dial the phone at the same time LOL!
How do you tell your daughter that the restraining order was never served because he didn't stay in one spot long enough for the cops to find him, he had no job and even his parents didn't want him?
How do you tell your daughter that even after getting the locks changed he still broke in and took all the money from her piggy bank and the money you had saved to pay bills?
How do you tell your daughter that you had to count pennies to buy diapers because along with taking the cash on hand he also took the money from her savings account, your checking account and the joint credit card you had?
How do you tell her that you laughed out loud when he asked you to marry him after doing all of this to her and you?
How do you tell her that he threatened to kill her, you then himself when you wouldn't take him back?
How do you tell her that he stole the only car seat that you had for her and made you drive her w/o a seat from her grandmother's (his mom) to the store to buy a new seat when she was two and NEEDED to be restrained?
How do you tell her that he sued you for custody and child support when he wasn't even paying support, made you hire a lawyer and failed to show to either of the two hearings?
How do you tell her that it took him loosing his license and spending a few nights in jail before he decided that paying support might be a good thing?
How do you tell her that during her supposed supervised visits her grandmother would allow him to take her to his friends houses where he would get so messed up on drugs that he would forget where she was was?
How do you explain that he changed his last name making her last name meaningless forcing you to hire yet another lawyer to have her last name changed to that of her sister's so it would again mean something?
How do you tell her that her memory of him telling her that the woman he married was her new mommy is true, along with any other memory she has as no one can tell you what you remember as your own memory is wrong?
How do you tell her that pretty much everything in that email was a lie except for the part about him caring for her (I hope) and his being a drug user?
Honestly, I was hoping she would have been older when this conversation presented itself. At seventeen this is a lot for someone to bare. I was vague about it all for a reason. The whole mess is embarrassing. I'm embarrassed that my children have different fathers. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to get caught up with someone so completely wrong and I am embarrassed that I was fooled more than once by him. If anything good were to come out of this it would hopefully be that people aren't all they appear to be and never, ever take words at face value when you do not know the person, and sometimes even if you do know them and maybe, just maybe that she wont make the same mistakes I made at her age.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
New Freschetta By The Slice review and contest. *CLOSED*
This post brought to you by FRESCHETTA®. All opinions are 100% mine.
I was given the opportunity to try FRESCHETTA® By the Slice I will say it, I love pizza- fresh from the oven pizza, but I do not always have time to bake my own pizza or travel over 15 miles to the nearest decent pizza place. Plus with warmer weather sneaking up on us quickly, who wants to turn on the oven? I was a bit worried that this would taste like some of the frozen pizzas that I ate in the past that tasted more like cardboard than pizza. I was pleasantly surprised to find that was NOT the case. The Chicken, Spinach & Mushroom pizza that I chose was crispy on the bottom but still had a soft crust. It had that fresh from the oven taste that I love! The toppings were just the right amount as well, there was enough chicken and mushroom to get some with each bite and the cheese that covered the entire slice.
- Other flavors offered:
* BBQ Recipe Chicken
* Vegetable Medley
* Six Cheese Medley
* BBQ Recipe Chicken
* Vegetable Medley
* Six Cheese Medley
Check out FRESCHETTA® on Twitter at @FreschettaPizza and on Facebook at www.facebook.com/freschettapizza
FRESCHETTA®would also like to give one lucky reader the chance to try out FRESCHETTA® By the Slice themselves. You could win a coupon for a free FRESCHETTA® By the Slice as well as a six piece container set.
To enter leave the flavor or pizza you would like to try.
For extra entries:
-Follow FRESCHETTA® on Twitter at @FreschettaPizza
-Like them on Facebook at www.facebook.com/freschettapizza
-Tweet about this contest, maximum of two tweets a day and be sure to include @runninlateagain in the tweet.
-Blog about the contest (ten entries)
*Available to US residents only. Contest ends 5/21/11 11:59pm CST.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Fourteen years already?
I can't believe that it has been fourteen years since I had to say hello and goodbye to my second daughter in the same breath. I don't normally talk about Kierston as it makes people uncomfortable to talk about dead babies but today is the day of her birth and I have mentioned her here and there throughout the years on the blog so I thought today would be a good day to share her story. As a way of healing, I wrote down all that I could remember of her pregnancy, birth and the days that followed. I didn't know about blogs then so I created a website and copied her story there. This site is now removed from the web as it was only on a free site but as luck would have it, I found a cached copy of it. This is copied and pasted with very little editing, I did correct some spelling and grammatical errors that I made, at the time it was written spelling and punctuation weren't a priority.
Kierston's Story
Picture enhancing curtsey of Paulab4455@aol.com
![[Rule]](http://webspace.webring.com/people/au/um_9105/pnksrule.gif)
"Peanut"
April 27, 1997
11:07am
3lbs 6.6ozs
17 1/4 inches
I started to get a sharp pain in my side, mostly when I made any sudden movements. I called the doctor and we were told that this was normal. A few days later I had begun to have a pink discharge. We were devastated, and were expecting the worst. We had to wait a whole day for an ultra sound to verify that the pregnancy was viable. When we got to the office, we were told to have a seat and wait until the tech was ready to see us.
So many things were running through our minds, is the baby all right? Is it something I did? Why was I bleeding? Then our name was called. Nervously we walked into the exam room and the ultra sound showed a normal, healthy 7 week old fetus. Our little "Peanut" was in there waving and the little heart was flickering. It was beautiful! They found the cause of the spotting was due to a small tear in the lining. My doctor advised me to take it easy.
The spotting stopped. And another ultra sound was scheduled in late January. I couldn't wait, finally I would find out who was sharing my body with me. IT'S A GIRL! Kierston, another little girl, we were so excited!
At the next doctor's appointment, we were told that they had found tiny little cysts on Kierston's brain. What does this mean I asked? Most of the time the cysts go away, but an AFP test was performed. If it came back normal then everything was fine and in most cases they would just go away.
What a long 10 days that was, but low and behold everything was normal. What a tough little girl we had, just waiting to meet us, and we couldn't wait.
Around 24 weeks, I began to cramp. I was told to monitor the cramping, it wasn't until then that I realized I was having CONTRACTIONS! It's too early for this was all I could think. My doctor wasn't worried though. So I started to monitor the contractions, sometimes I would get as many as 8 in an hour. Still my doctor did nothing.
At 26 weeks, I was losing sleep; I was getting woken up by contractions. At my next appointment I had to beg the doctor to give me something to make them stop. Finally I was put on terbutaline, but only on an as needed basis. I didn't understand why he did that, but we followed his advice.
By 29 weeks the medicine stopped working. At this point we had to go to triage once a week to get a shot to stop the contractions. Still, my doctor did not change his opinion.
By the 31st week I was put on terbutaline 2.5 mg every 6 hours. That seemed to do the trick for a few days. Then back to the hospital for another shot. My next doctor's appointment was the next day.
During the doctor's appointment, it seemed like we were being rushed. Finally Toby put his foot down and demanded that I be put on bed rest. My doctor reluctantly agreed to this and filled out the necessary paper work. WAIT, they didn't weigh me, the nurse who looked bothered that I brought it up, and huffed as she led me back to the scale. I had LOST 1 pound. I know, it was just 1 pound, but compared to my gaining 4-5 pounds per the past few visits I was freaking out! My doctor again assured me that it was normal. How, my diet hadn't changed? This appointment was on a Monday.
On that Wednesday, April 23, 1997, Kierston kicked me very hard. So hard that it hurt. I told Toby and he rested his hand on my belly. She did it again, and it hurt!
The next day, April 24, was business as usual. Me playing with my "Peanut," she loved to kick where ever I touched my belly. I was already in love with her. Just a few more weeks and I would be hugging and kissing this sweet little baby of ours.
Friday the 25th of April, while watching TV, I felt her kick one time. It was about 3 in the afternoon. I really didn't think much of it; she must have been sleeping was all.
When we went to bed, there was still no movement. I was getting worried, but I was so tired that I fell asleep before making any decision as to go to the hospital or not.
I tried all day Saturday the 26th, to get my "Peanut" to play with me, she wouldn't. Toby was at work so I nervously waited for him to return. While waiting I called the hospital to see what was normal. They asked if I felt more than 4 kicks in an hour. No, not in 24 hours had I felt a kick! I then called my doctor, he wasn't on call but the OB/GYN on duty told me if I was worried to go to the hospital. So to kill time until Toby got there, I jumped into the shower.
When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor. NOTHING! Oh my God, this can't be happening to us, she was so alive, such a fighter! They tried again, and still there was nothing. The nurse ran to get an ultra sound machine, she was such a nice person, and tried to calm us.
They did the ultra sound, and there was our sweet little girl, still, not moving, and no heart beat. We were in shock, my head was spinning. I couldn't believe it. Another doctor came in to confirm that there was no heart beat. Her reply was this, "I am so sorry, this has to be the worst day of your life." And she was right, it was. I wanted to melt into that hospital bed and die; I just couldn't see what there was to live for. My baby was dead! What did I do?
From this point we were given the option to go home and wait for the onset of labor, or to be induced. We didn't even think about it, we were NOT going to wait. I was moved to a room in the NICU wing and they started the medication to soften my cervix. I was given 1 prostaglandin gel insert every 3 hours, from 7pm until 2am.
After the 1st one the contractions were steady every three minutes. I couldn't sleep, and the room was freezing. It was tough to hear babies crying when we knew that ours never would. My Mom and Toby never left my side the whole night.
At 5am I was woken up so I could shower and get ready for the pitocin iv. While this was being done Toby went home to shower and call his parents to let them know what was going on, at the time they lived in another state.
At 11:07 am on April 27, 1997, Kierston Skyler Stroh came into this world. She was delivered breech so she had her perfectly shaped head, and daddy's sweet little nose. She was beautiful!
They cleaned her up, and placed her in my arms; I hugged and held my darling daughter so close. Then it was daddy's turn. From the moment we found out, she was his whole world. It just wasn't fair that someone so loved never even got a chance. The umbilical cord was between her legs and wrapped around her belly twice. She suffocated. I felt like my body had betrayed her.
After we had our time with her we asked the priest to baptize her. Then we said our good-byes. I was then moved to another floor, one that had no babies. It was a relief but surreal, at least there wasn't a constant crying reminder of what we lost.
The hospital took many pictures of her, and sent them to us a few weeks later. They also did her foot prints and gave us a memory book to put everything in.
She was buried on May 5, 1997. I knew from the start that I would attend the service, but as soon as I got there, I wished I was somewhere else. Many people came to show their support, and for that we are grateful.
It's hard not to think about what might have been, how old she would be now, what milestones she would be achieving, would she be crawling, would she still look like her dad? These are thoughts that I have all the time.
In the early morning, right when the sun just starts to come in the window, and if Toby is lying right, I can see her in him. When I first noticed this, Toby had fallen asleep on the couch, and had his head turned to the side slightly and his hands resting on his chest (just like Kierston in the picture above), it took my breath away! I just couldn't believe how much they look alike.
![[Headstone]](http://webspace.webring.com/people/au/um_9105/kstone.jpg)
It is not the will of the father,
which is in heaven
that one of these little ones should perish...
Matthew 18:14
![[I Poured My Heart Out]](http://webspace.webring.com/people/au/um_9105/img10.gif)
As I read this, it brings back a flood of emotions, takes me right back to those days.
Picture enhancing curtsey of Paulab4455@aol.com
"Peanut"
April 27, 1997
11:07am
3lbs 6.6ozs
17 1/4 inches
We found out that we were going to have another child early October of 1996. We couldn't believe it, my being pregnant was such a surprise.
I started to get a sharp pain in my side, mostly when I made any sudden movements. I called the doctor and we were told that this was normal. A few days later I had begun to have a pink discharge. We were devastated, and were expecting the worst. We had to wait a whole day for an ultra sound to verify that the pregnancy was viable. When we got to the office, we were told to have a seat and wait until the tech was ready to see us.
So many things were running through our minds, is the baby all right? Is it something I did? Why was I bleeding? Then our name was called. Nervously we walked into the exam room and the ultra sound showed a normal, healthy 7 week old fetus. Our little "Peanut" was in there waving and the little heart was flickering. It was beautiful! They found the cause of the spotting was due to a small tear in the lining. My doctor advised me to take it easy.
The spotting stopped. And another ultra sound was scheduled in late January. I couldn't wait, finally I would find out who was sharing my body with me. IT'S A GIRL! Kierston, another little girl, we were so excited!
At the next doctor's appointment, we were told that they had found tiny little cysts on Kierston's brain. What does this mean I asked? Most of the time the cysts go away, but an AFP test was performed. If it came back normal then everything was fine and in most cases they would just go away.
What a long 10 days that was, but low and behold everything was normal. What a tough little girl we had, just waiting to meet us, and we couldn't wait.
Around 24 weeks, I began to cramp. I was told to monitor the cramping, it wasn't until then that I realized I was having CONTRACTIONS! It's too early for this was all I could think. My doctor wasn't worried though. So I started to monitor the contractions, sometimes I would get as many as 8 in an hour. Still my doctor did nothing.
At 26 weeks, I was losing sleep; I was getting woken up by contractions. At my next appointment I had to beg the doctor to give me something to make them stop. Finally I was put on terbutaline, but only on an as needed basis. I didn't understand why he did that, but we followed his advice.
By 29 weeks the medicine stopped working. At this point we had to go to triage once a week to get a shot to stop the contractions. Still, my doctor did not change his opinion.
By the 31st week I was put on terbutaline 2.5 mg every 6 hours. That seemed to do the trick for a few days. Then back to the hospital for another shot. My next doctor's appointment was the next day.
During the doctor's appointment, it seemed like we were being rushed. Finally Toby put his foot down and demanded that I be put on bed rest. My doctor reluctantly agreed to this and filled out the necessary paper work. WAIT, they didn't weigh me, the nurse who looked bothered that I brought it up, and huffed as she led me back to the scale. I had LOST 1 pound. I know, it was just 1 pound, but compared to my gaining 4-5 pounds per the past few visits I was freaking out! My doctor again assured me that it was normal. How, my diet hadn't changed? This appointment was on a Monday.
On that Wednesday, April 23, 1997, Kierston kicked me very hard. So hard that it hurt. I told Toby and he rested his hand on my belly. She did it again, and it hurt!
The next day, April 24, was business as usual. Me playing with my "Peanut," she loved to kick where ever I touched my belly. I was already in love with her. Just a few more weeks and I would be hugging and kissing this sweet little baby of ours.
Friday the 25th of April, while watching TV, I felt her kick one time. It was about 3 in the afternoon. I really didn't think much of it; she must have been sleeping was all.
When we went to bed, there was still no movement. I was getting worried, but I was so tired that I fell asleep before making any decision as to go to the hospital or not.
I tried all day Saturday the 26th, to get my "Peanut" to play with me, she wouldn't. Toby was at work so I nervously waited for him to return. While waiting I called the hospital to see what was normal. They asked if I felt more than 4 kicks in an hour. No, not in 24 hours had I felt a kick! I then called my doctor, he wasn't on call but the OB/GYN on duty told me if I was worried to go to the hospital. So to kill time until Toby got there, I jumped into the shower.
When we got to the hospital they hooked me up to the fetal heart monitor. NOTHING! Oh my God, this can't be happening to us, she was so alive, such a fighter! They tried again, and still there was nothing. The nurse ran to get an ultra sound machine, she was such a nice person, and tried to calm us.
They did the ultra sound, and there was our sweet little girl, still, not moving, and no heart beat. We were in shock, my head was spinning. I couldn't believe it. Another doctor came in to confirm that there was no heart beat. Her reply was this, "I am so sorry, this has to be the worst day of your life." And she was right, it was. I wanted to melt into that hospital bed and die; I just couldn't see what there was to live for. My baby was dead! What did I do?
From this point we were given the option to go home and wait for the onset of labor, or to be induced. We didn't even think about it, we were NOT going to wait. I was moved to a room in the NICU wing and they started the medication to soften my cervix. I was given 1 prostaglandin gel insert every 3 hours, from 7pm until 2am.
After the 1st one the contractions were steady every three minutes. I couldn't sleep, and the room was freezing. It was tough to hear babies crying when we knew that ours never would. My Mom and Toby never left my side the whole night.
At 5am I was woken up so I could shower and get ready for the pitocin iv. While this was being done Toby went home to shower and call his parents to let them know what was going on, at the time they lived in another state.
At 11:07 am on April 27, 1997, Kierston Skyler Stroh came into this world. She was delivered breech so she had her perfectly shaped head, and daddy's sweet little nose. She was beautiful!
They cleaned her up, and placed her in my arms; I hugged and held my darling daughter so close. Then it was daddy's turn. From the moment we found out, she was his whole world. It just wasn't fair that someone so loved never even got a chance. The umbilical cord was between her legs and wrapped around her belly twice. She suffocated. I felt like my body had betrayed her.
After we had our time with her we asked the priest to baptize her. Then we said our good-byes. I was then moved to another floor, one that had no babies. It was a relief but surreal, at least there wasn't a constant crying reminder of what we lost.
Leaving the hospital was by far the worst thing. My friend Holly thought to bring me a teddy bear and I held that as we left but nothing could replace Kierston.
The hospital took many pictures of her, and sent them to us a few weeks later. They also did her foot prints and gave us a memory book to put everything in.
She was buried on May 5, 1997. I knew from the start that I would attend the service, but as soon as I got there, I wished I was somewhere else. Many people came to show their support, and for that we are grateful.
It's hard not to think about what might have been, how old she would be now, what milestones she would be achieving, would she be crawling, would she still look like her dad? These are thoughts that I have all the time.
In the early morning, right when the sun just starts to come in the window, and if Toby is lying right, I can see her in him. When I first noticed this, Toby had fallen asleep on the couch, and had his head turned to the side slightly and his hands resting on his chest (just like Kierston in the picture above), it took my breath away! I just couldn't believe how much they look alike.
Footprints
by Dorothy Ferguson
How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently,
only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
your footsteps have left
upon my heart.
We love and miss you Kierston, you are in our hearts forever.
Love,
Mom and Dad
by Dorothy Ferguson
How very softly
you tiptoed into my world.
Almost silently,
only a moment you stayed.
But what an imprint
your footsteps have left
upon my heart.
We love and miss you Kierston, you are in our hearts forever.
Love,
Mom and Dad
which is in heaven
that one of these little ones should perish...
Matthew 18:14
As I read this, it brings back a flood of emotions, takes me right back to those days.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
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