Sunday, September 4, 2011

What do you say to that?

How do you answer difficult questions asked by your children? Recently my oldest, who biologically is not my husband's child, was in contact with her other counter part. During one of the exchanges he said some things that got her thinking, bringing up difficult questions. Not because of what I did, but how do you tell your child that things they are told or thought aren't true? I went with the philosophy of don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Over the years I gave her basic information, names, events, etc. I didn't initiate conversations, but didn't shy away from them either.

So now she gets an email from this person stating that he was a drug user and stating a bunch of other info that basically is either what he wanted to happen or what his drug addled mind wished had happened so he now thinks is true. I am now presented with the task of detailing the whole sorted mess to my daughter, because she asked.

How do you tell your daughter that 5 weeks after having her you had to go back to work because he wouldn't?
How do you tell her that you had to work two jobs often only seeing her when she slept for the first 7 months of her life because bills had to be paid and he wasn't paying them?
How do you tell your daughter that you had to push her around in a stroller when you went anywhere and take the grocery cart home when you grocery shopped because he traded the car you drove for a pound of marijuana?
How do you tell your daughter that you couldn't make a call in your own house w/o worrying that the conversation was being recorded because he placed a tap on the phone line?
How do you tell your daughter that you feared of an STD because he was a manwhore?
How do you tell your daughter that you kicked him out of the house after finding condom wrappers on the floor of her nursery, under your bed and in his car? (oh yes, because he kept his car and only "traded" mine)
How do you tell her that even after that, for her you tried again to keep your family together, only to find out that he smoked meth in the living room while you were asleep in your bed 15 feet down the hall?
How do you tell her that after you told him to leave he hit and choked you only stopping after 911 was called? Thank God that I can multitask and fight off a jerk and dial the phone at the same time LOL!
How do you tell your daughter that the restraining order was never served because he didn't stay in one spot long enough for the cops to find him, he had no job and even his parents didn't want him?
How do you tell your daughter that even after getting the locks changed he still broke in and took all the money from her piggy bank and the money you had saved to pay bills?
How do you tell your daughter that you had to count pennies to buy diapers because along with taking the cash on hand he also took the money from her savings account, your checking account and the joint credit card you had?
How do you tell her that you laughed out loud when he asked you to marry him after doing all of this to her and you?
How do you tell her that he threatened to kill her, you then himself when you wouldn't take him back?
How do you tell her that he stole the only car seat that you had for her and made you drive her w/o a seat from her grandmother's (his mom) to the store to buy a new seat when she was two and NEEDED to be restrained?
How do you tell her that he sued you for custody and child support when he wasn't even paying support, made you hire a lawyer and failed to show to either of the two hearings?
How do you tell her that it took him loosing his license and spending a few nights in jail before he decided that paying support might be a good thing?
How do you tell her that during her supposed supervised visits her grandmother would allow him to take her to his friends houses where he would get so messed up on drugs that he would forget where she was was?
How do you explain that he changed his last name making her last name meaningless forcing you to hire yet another lawyer to have her last name changed to that of her sister's so it would again mean something?
How do you tell her that her memory of him telling her that the woman he married was her new mommy is true, along with any other memory she has as no one can tell you what you remember as your own memory is wrong?
How do you tell her that pretty much everything in that email was a lie except for the part about him caring for her (I hope) and his being a drug user?

Honestly, I was hoping she would have been older when this conversation presented itself. At seventeen this is a lot for someone to bare. I was vague about it all for a reason. The whole mess is embarrassing. I'm embarrassed that my children have different fathers. I am embarrassed that I allowed myself to get caught up with someone so completely wrong and I am embarrassed that I was fooled more than once by him. If anything good were to come out of this it would hopefully be that people aren't all they appear to be and never, ever take words at face value when you do not know the person, and sometimes even if you do know them and maybe, just maybe that she wont make the same mistakes I made at her age.